Super Important News: Kristen Stewart Tops List of Celebs Brits Don't Want to Bone

It's Wednesday afternoon and one giant, seemingly unanswerable question is plaguing you: who don't guys in England want to have sex with? You must know. Now. It's just killing you. Thankfully, MenKind.co.uk took up the thankless task of uncovering this elusive truth and it turns out, per the big vote, Kristen Stewart is the least desirable sex person in Hollywood. 
But what's the point of all this sex appeal-shaming? Well, the guys at MenKind are simply doing their best to dispel rumors about what they find sexy by listing all those totally gross, unappealing megastars who get paid lots of money to have their faces broadcast on giant screens. Thank God we have these guys, who hail from a web site whose main objective is to hock "Drinking and Smoking Stuff" and remote controlled tarantulas to the starlet-ogling English masses.
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But in case we're just too thick-skulled, or distracted by all our unattractive lady qualities, to comprehend the genius of this list, here's what the spokesperson for the web site told The Independent, "Our Oscars poll has been a fascinating insight into the minds of British men — it's shown that sexiness is far more than appearance ... They were turned off by volatile and moody actresses as well as ice queens. And they don't want to see unhealthily skinny starlets on the big screen." Ah, how insightful. Especially the part where "no skinny b**ches, please" is supposed to have nothing to do with appearance. The "ice queens" and "unhealthily skinny starlets" accompanying Stewart on the list range from Tilda Swinton to Hilary Swank and from Lindsay Lohan to Lucy Liu. We're definitely looking at no type whatsoever, here.
And while we can't blame anyone for not wanting to have sexy time with Lohan after the last seven years of her life, the idea that this list somehow turns typical male desires on their heads and reveals some noble truth about valuing personality and a BMI greater than zero is absurd.
All this list proves – by deductive reasoning — is that men (who voted in this poll) want girls with sizable breasts who giggle and smile a lot. How is this different from any other Top 10 Sexiest Women list on the Internet? It tells us the same thing, but through a far more negative lens that requires respondents to dig deep and remember a famous lady so reviling she makes their man parts shrivel up and run away. The problem is that there's not a single woman on this who deserves that title. But even if the goons at MenKind retitled the list to a more accurate title along the lines of Attractive People We'd Choose Last in a Game of Screw/Marry/Kill, it wouldn't make it better. It's still a reviling, superficial  list that delivers no value and serves to insult actual living beings.
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But to their very minimal credit, if MenKind just did a sexiest woman in Hollywood poll, we probably wouldn't be writing about it. And no one would be clicking their cute little computers over to their web site to see who these judgmental guys are and vowing to never buy their wares, even if we feel we can't live without their charming mug that says "I'm a Tw**" on the bottom.

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Posted in: Movies/Celebritis